Depression isn't a war you win.

I write from the heart, and lately, that has led me into some pretty dark places. I never thought of myself as a depressing person, but these days, I have been really struggling with depression. I talk a lot about mental health on my blog and with my friends because I truly believe it is fundamental to who we are.

Why have I been feeling this way? Blogging and social media have been great outlets for me, and I will never stop sharing. But there is a downside. I read so many inspiring stories about people with GBM who are defying the odds, but I also come across heartbreaking ones—stories of death and spouses grieving their partners. It is hard not to picture my husband writing about me someday, and the thought of someone else filling my place in his life makes me even sadder, even though he swears he will never remarry.

Talking about death is tricky because everyone has different beliefs. This is not about religion, so I will not go there, but I have found it really hard to shake off this depression lately. I have become more at peace with the idea of death and have few regrets, which I know is rare. I cling to the simple things that keep me sane: I have never gone hungry, I have always had a roof over my head, I have always been loved, and for the last ten years, I have had an amazing partner who will take care of me until the end. These are the things that keep me from falling apart.

So, what is the point of all this? Depression sucks, but it is important to remember that things could always be worse. Despite my battle with cancer, writing this blog has connected me with incredible people and helped me reconnect with old friends. I do not regret having a small circle of friends, though I wish I had made more of an effort to expand it.

Even in the darkest times, there is always something to hold onto. And that is what helps me beat depression. Knowing that I have had a good life, that I have been loved, and that I still have people who care about me—it is these small things that keep me going. I have also started to join a support group for others with GBM, reconnected with my mentor, and been more honest with my spouse. It is so easy to type all my feelings, but when it comes to talking about them, I tend to hide. Is that silly? Maybe. But taking these steps is helping me open up, and it’s making a difference. Depression is not a war you win, it's a fulltime battle.