Navigating Life's Challenges: A Journey of Healing and Evolution

It is too hot to read (109 in Sacramento), so I decided to take a break from my book. I have never stretched out a book of only 155 pages for so long in my life. I am really enjoying "The Four Agreements." I talk about cancer a lot because it has impacted my life in such a huge way. While reading "The Four Agreements" and desperately trying to put them into practice, remember I have only read the first three (I will get to the last one when it cools down): Be Impeccable with Your Word, Don't Take Anything Personally, and Don't Make Assumptions.

This makes me wonder, how do I incorporate these into my everyday life? Why do I find it so hard to incorporate this into my life? Am I hoping for too much too soon? Does everyone have some type of drama or trauma that prevents them from adapting? Am I so broken that I cannot get over this cancer diagnosis and heal?

I am still so mad at everything. I am trying hard to let go, but most of the time, I just want to hide from everyone and everything. The books help, and I love "The Four Agreements." They are small steps I am desperately trying to incorporate to make positive changes. But how do I stop feeling so mad and hurt? Do I sound like a Debbie Downer who is constantly upset at the world, making you want to scream, "Get over it!" or "Life’s tough, deal with it"? Because that is what I am constantly yelling at myself inside my head through gritted teeth every day. It is like I am telepathically annoying myself with my depressed feelings, making the hopelessness feel even more hopeless. Are the people in my life feeling the same annoyance? Or do they see the happy Jonathan, the act I portray each day.

I hate the phrase "putting on an act." But isn’t that what we all do sometimes to get by? When I was young, I put on an act to appear straight. Guys are not supposed to cry, so we put on an act to seem tough. These behaviors stem from the agreements we make when we are young—we learn to act, and we learn to suppress our feelings. So, is going through all of this part of the healing process?  So, to answer the original question: maybe this is all part of the process. Maybe this is how I heal. Maybe it cannot be done overnight. Perhaps all this crying, self-pity, and self-reflection is part of the plan to make me better, to fix some of what is broken. Or maybe I am not broken at all—maybe I am just evolving.

Despite all this, I find comfort in the fact that I am trying. Every day, I make a little progress, even if it does not always feel like it. Some days, it takes all my strength just to smile and get out of bed. But I do it. I work full time, cook dinner, take care of my dog, support my husband, and pay bills. I still live. It does not mean that a part of me is not screaming every day. It does not mean that I am not still a little broken every day. The journey is tough, but I know that with time, patience, and a bit of self-compassion, I can find my way to a better place. One step at a time, I believe I can heal and grow stronger.