Struggling with Control, Fear, and Love: My Journey Through Cancer

I had an argument with my husband this evening. We rarely argue, and when we do, it is usually short and sweet, and we quickly make up. But tonight, was different. I was arguing because I am both mad and scared—two emotions that, when mixed together, can lead to a very heated argument. If you asked me now, I am not even sure what the argument was really about. We did, of course, make up—we never go to bed mad; it has been our policy for a long time, although we do break it occasionally. Afterward, he suggested I start writing. I know he meant in a journal, but this blog is my outlet, and I find it therapeutic, especially if it helps someone else who reads it. Let us face it—cancer stirs up similar emotions in all of us.

So first off, I am mad. Why? Because I have cancer—specifically, brain cancer. If it were something like testicular cancer, I would probably say, "Take a ball, I’ve got two." But this is brain cancer. Like, what the fuck? I have been a good person my entire life. Sure, I have made mistakes, and I have paid for them, but I have not hurt anyone or done anything truly awful. I am a good person. So, why me? I know that God, fate, or whatever you believe in does not just decide, "This guy’s a jerk, let’s give him cancer." But for me, it feels personal, like some sort of punishment. Maybe for something I did when I was younger, or maybe it is just a bad dose of karma.

My entire life, I have always been able to fix my problems—or even someone else’s—without much effort. It is almost like an art form for me. I am also an incredibly strong manifester. But this? This I cannot fix. This I cannot control. And that is why I am pissed.

Lastly, I am scared. Cancer is frightening for so many reasons. At first, I was scared of dying, but that fear has shifted a bit. After a lot of soul-searching, I am not as afraid of death as I used to be. What scares me more now is how my life is changing without me having any control over it. I will admit, I like to be in control. But now, I wear this device on my head, I work less, I have to go through all these tests, I’m constantly being monitored, and every day, I’m just waiting for the next shoe to drop. It is the fear of the unknown that really gets to me.

In the end, it all comes down to this: I am angry, I am scared, and I am struggling with a loss of control over my life. Cancer has a way of stripping away everything you thought you knew about yourself and your world. It is a battle against not just the disease but the emotions that come with it—anger, fear, helplessness. But through all of this, I have had a revelation. While I may not be as scared of dying, I am absolutely terrified of losing the people I love. I now understand why my husband has been so afraid—he does not want to lose me, just like I would be terrified to lose him. Finding love is incredible, but the thought of losing it? That fear never goes away. Writing this blog is my way of dealing with it all, of trying to make sense of a situation that often feels senseless. And if sharing my journey can help someone else feel a little less alone in their own struggle, then maybe, just maybe, there is some purpose in all this chaos.