Stupidity Strikes Back: My Battle with Overreactivity

Have you ever thought, "I wouldn't be so reactive to situations if so many people around me weren't so stupid"? But is it really the other person's fault when we choose to react? Is my heightened reactivity due to the sheer number of stupid people around me? Hmmm, it is highly doubtful that the world got an influx of stupid people, so probably not. This is likely triggered by my fight-or-flight response, and since my diagnosis, it seems to be triggered more frequently, resulting in reactions that may seem exaggerated given the actual circumstances. Before the diagnosis, I was generally calm and collected. While I did have a temper, I usually opted for flight over fight. I did, however, exit like a drama queen making a grand exit—I do like a bit of drama.

This makes me wonder: why have I recently decided to escalate a situation rather than de-escalate it, and why has this tendency worsened with my cancer diagnosis? I think the answer is pretty clear. I am angry about having brain cancer because it feels like my life has been hijacked. Every day, I am reminded of what I have lost and the dreams that might never come true. I am furious because this disease has stolen my sense of normalcy, replacing it with fear and uncertainty. It infuriates me to see my loved ones worry and struggle alongside me, knowing there is so little I can do to ease their pain. I am mad that, at 47, I am facing something so overwhelming and life-altering, something that makes me feel robbed of the future I envisioned for myself.

So how do I fix this? I am not sure I have an answer. When my emotions flood in, my ability to think clearly is compromised, making it hard to process thoughts in a calm, reasoned way. I have tried various methods—walking, breathing exercises, meditation, writing—but they have not provided a quick fix. Perhaps the solution lies in giving myself time to heal. It could involve retraining my brain to accept what I cannot change and respond more calmly over time. Many people talk about emotional intelligence, but what does that really mean? Sure, I get it—it means understanding your emotions so you can control them. But what happens when something so devastating happens that your "emotional intelligence" (yes, I am using air quotes) is thrown out of whack?

This journey toward emotional balance or intelligence, whatever you like to call it, may not happen overnight. But with patience and persistence, I believe I can navigate this challenge with greater peace and resilience. So, to sum this up: give yourself grace, give yourself time, and give yourself peace. Shit happens, and sometimes we just need time. That is what I need at this moment, more time..