The Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personally

I will say this again: everyone who reads my blog should read this book! I will link it in the comments. The Second Agreement is "Don’t Take Anything Personally." This is probably the toughest agreement for me to explain and comprehend. I am the king of taking everything personally. If I hear even a whisper of my name in a crowd, I immediately think they are plotting my demise and start plotting theirs in my head. I know this is not rational, but it is how I am built. The way we learn to assimilate information throughout life shapes how we react to situations. Being gay, I was often bullied, teased, and ridiculed—openly, privately, by family, friends, and even strangers. So, the way I have learned to safeguard my life is to install an agreement that I consider protection against this. But this is poison. So, how do I change this?

I have worked very hard to install agreements, and if I have not explained this thoroughly, the book The Four Agreements describes an "agreement" as a belief or behavioral commitment that individuals make with themselves, shaping their interactions and perceptions of the world. The book outlines four such agreements that are meant to lead to personal freedom and a fulfilling life. The agreements we start with are shaped by past trauma, the way we have been raised, and through generational and cultural upbringing. The book is about changing these agreements to live a better life.

But how do we break the cycle? How, do we change the agreements that are so ingrained din us from birth?

My husband is a strong Latino man (Puerto Rican), and he often says that he is no punk when cornered or when someone has him in a corner—that was his agreement. I, in turn, also had an agreement that when faced with a difficult situation and the choice between flight or fight, I always choose to fight. I resort to my words rather than my fists, and I can cut someone down in a second, making them feel less than worthless. Now understand that these situations are few and far between, and we are working on changing these agreements. This is not our typical form, as we are usually sweet and caring. But when forced into a corner or provoked, do we handle this correctly? No, we do not. Because as the book shows us, why take anything personal?

The book focuses on people who push your buttons, provoke you to get a reaction, or compliment you with negative intentions—this is their agreement. They do this for their own motives, and that is their baggage to carry. By not engaging and sticking to your own set of rules and values, you can elevate yourself, avoiding negative effects and walking away without feeling worse. This approach aligns with the teachings of The Four Agreements, which emphasizes the importance of not taking anything personally. By recognizing that others' actions stem from their agreements and not internalizing their negativity, we can break free from the cycle of hurt and embrace a more empowered way of living. This shift allows us to move beyond our defensive reactions, shaped by past trauma and upbringing, and find personal freedom and resilience

In conclusion, The Four Agreements challenges us to transcend personal traps and societal expectations, offering a pathway to reclaim our emotional autonomy. By reframing our responses and refusing to internalize others' negativity, we pave the way to true personal liberation. It is a journey of self-discovery, where breaking free from ingrained agreements allows us to embrace a more authentic and empowered way of living

The Second Agreement: Don't Take Anything Personally