THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY, EMBRACING YOUR EMOTIONS.

So, about a week ago, I was all like, "Today marks the beginning of my grand adventure with Optune!" feeling super pumped about strapping on this funky-looking headgear. But just three days into the "journey," guess what? Yep, I caught Covid. Cue the fever, cue taking off the cap because it felt like I was about to combust with every step spontaneously. Fever's gone now, cap is back on, and I am trying to get used to it again. Oh, joy. And to top it off, I have to start heading back to the office soon, and my anxiety is off the charts. It got me thinking: When does a person reach their breaking point? Is the phrase "God only gives you what you can handle" true or just a poor excuse for when life becomes unbearable?

A big chunk of my strength comes from putting on a show. It is like I am always performing, holding back tears, plastering on a smile so I do not upset anyone or, let us be honest, so I don't have to face my own sadness. And it is not just about protecting other people's feelings; it is also about saving my sanity. But here is the kicker: I am strong, yeah, but I am sick of talking about all this gloomy, depressing crap. My husband shared some honest opinions with me tonight. He asked, "When did others' opinions of our feelings become more important than acknowledging and expressing our own emotions?" That hit hard. And he is right. I am downright fucking pissed off about having to wear this stupid contraption on my head, pissed off about having cancer, pissed off about catching Covid, and just generally pissed off about where I am at right now.

You see, I had it all mapped out—I was on track for graduation from Sacramento City College in three weeks, a loving husband, and a home I was proud of. But in just one day, it has all gone sideways; as silly as this sounded, all I wanted to do was retire in ten years, move to Long Beach, work the Main Gate at Disneyland, check guests in with my husband in the next stand, we would watch all the people enjoy Disney, and just be together, travel here and there, and enjoy our life. That changed suddenly, and I am just so fucking furious. I am sick of apologizing for my feelings and constantly justifying myself. It is alright to be utterly pissed off at life now and then. I know God only gives us what we can handle, but I think the big guy needs to stop and let me deal with what I already have. I just need some time to breath.